Coaching Perfectionists

Several years ago I wrote about what I learned from Daniel Goleman (who famously relates emotional intelligence with an ability to lead) and Dan Siegel, MD, when I attended Harvard’s Institute of Coaching Professional Association conference.  I went on to tell you about some other news for coaches from Harvard’s Medical School, specifically coaching perfectionists, from a session led by Jeff Szymanski.  Perfectionism is a behavior often addressed in coaching engagements.

I will restate some of what I wrote before, along with giving you a few updates about coaching perfectionists.

When coaching perfectionists, Mr. Szymanski said it is important to keep in mind both the good news and bad news when working with proclaimed (or actual) perfectionists.

First, the good news: “They are driven to succeed, work hard to avoid mistakes and are always striving to improve.  They persist at tasks until they reach the desired outcome.”  Now, the bad news: “They sometimes get caught up in strategies with poor payoffs — they are working hard but spinning their wheels.  The feedback they hear can be interpreted as catastrophic or ‘lower the bar.’  It can be a challenge to work with someone who needs everything to be perfect.”

The question to ask a perfectionist is “How do you want others to see you?”  A common response can be wanting to be seen as intelligent, independent and good at what the person does.  Really, this answer is no different from what most of us would say.  However, there is a difference which comes through further understanding — the perfectionist ‘has a harder time rolling with the punches when they have an off day, get a bad review, or make a mistake.’

Turning now to the world of Hogan, an assessment I imagine most of you are aware of, they identify three types of perfectionism in their paper “Just Let It Go:  Managing Perfectionism in the Workplace”:

1. Self-oriented Perfectionists. This cohort tends to have unrealistic standards for themselves, resulting in excessive self-criticism and focus on their own flaws.  Surprisingly, these individuals have high self-esteem, are adaptive, can be altruistic and are good at self-appraisal.  The downside?  Under stress (HDS in Hogan language), they can get lost in the details, sacrificing productivity.
2. Other-oriented Perfectionists. They have unrealistic standards and expectations about the ‘abilities of people around them.’ Critical of others’ performances, they damage relationships and can be hyper-assertive.  They are critics.  On the plus side, they believe others are capable of even more.
3. Socially-prescribed Perfectionists. This is when someone believes ‘perfectionist expectations are directed at them.’ Avoiding letting themselves or others down, they ‘maintain high standards at all times.’  Disappointing others is devastating to them.  Consequently, they always want to do better next time.  No upside exists.  As I write this, I can feel their exhaustion.

So how does one coach a perfectionist?  Giving feedback to perfectionists is tricky.  Here are some strategies to consider, keeping in mind that not every perfectionist is the same.  In your coaching, you want to help them attend to their negative attributes:

• ‘Good enough is as valuable as perfect.’ We’ve all heard that perfection is the enemy of the good.  Your clients might not realize they are spending too much time working on one thing, distracting them from more important projects.  Letting go can lead to higher productivity.  Explain to them the 80/20 rule.
• ‘Be clear about your goals and expectations.’ Because perfectionists tend to set unrealistic objectives for themselves, the coach should not fall into the same trap.  Instead, ‘share your expectations and goals explicitly and directly so the perfectionist doesn’t waste time on things that aren’t very important.’  Just as they need to get their priorities in order, as do you as the coach.
• ‘Stay Calm and Carry On.’ We know that stress brings out our Dark Side traits by draining our cognitive resources.  For perfectionists, this is perhaps even more important.  As their stress increases, they double-down.  Coaching can help them remain relaxed and positive under tough circumstances.
• ‘Encourage a perfectionist to share a work-in-progress with you.’ Since perfectionists prefer to show only finished end products, they are loathe to show you an incomplete piece of work.  ‘Working on iterations of a project together creates a sense of collaboration and reduces the likelihood that a perfectionist will get bogged down in unnecessary details.’
• ‘Perfectionists struggle with making mistakes.’ Because perfectionists lose sight of the difference between ‘a minor mistake versus a major error,’ you can address this behavior by setting ‘clear expectations’ and working together as the activity unfolds. While perfectionists often motivate themselves via self-criticism, it can be effective but demoralizing.  Somewhat counter-intuitively, if you focus on their weakness they will view it was an opportunity to improve performance, ‘keeping them on track.  As a coach you can help reframe their mistakes by ‘highlighting the value of deliberate practice and experimentation.’
• ‘Persistence is different from perseveration.’ By using the same strategies time and time again, they don’t realize that the strategy is at fault; they continue to execute as though something will change if they just get it right the next time.  “In this case, acknowledge the individual’s effort, but encourage a shift in strategy.”  Unfortunately, perfectionists are not able to see that ‘more is not always better and that if something isn’t paying off, it’s time to try something different.’

Coaching perfectionists is about ‘helping them learn to differentiate between intention, strategy and outcome.  It’s not necessarily about changing their intention and desired outcome; it is about learning to help them vary their strategies.’

As a coach, you want to find the ways ‘perfectionists get stuck and help them identify unhealthy perfectionism from healthy perfectionism, which sets high but achievable standards that lead to feelings of satisfaction and increased self-esteem.’