High standards can help leaders succeed. But when every decision, conversation or assignment must be perfect, those same standards can slow progress and strain relationships. Perfectionism is a behavior I often encounter in coaching engagements.
Several years ago, I attended an Institute of Coaching conference where I learned from Daniel Goleman, known for his work on emotional intelligence and leadership, and Dan Siegel, MD. A session led by Jeff Szymanski offered insights into coaching perfectionists that remain relevant today.
Szymanski emphasized the importance of recognizing both the strengths and the difficulties associated with perfectionism.
First, the good news: perfectionists are often driven to succeed, work hard to avoid mistakes and continually strive to improve. They persist until they achieve the outcome they want.
The challenge comes when that persistence keeps them committed to an approach that is not working. They may spend considerable time and effort without making meaningful progress. Feedback can feel like a judgment of their ability, while a suggestion to adjust their approach may sound like an invitation to lower their standards.
One useful and revealing coaching question is, “How do you want others to see you?”
Intelligent, independent and good at what they do are common answers. Most of us would say something similar. The difference may become apparent when someone has an off day, receives difficult feedback or makes a mistake. For a leader caught in perfectionist patterns, those experiences can be particularly hard to put into perspective.
Hogan Assessments discusses three types of perfectionism in “Just Let It Go: Managing Perfectionism in the Workplace.” These offer a useful way to consider where expectations come from and how they affect behavior.
1. Self-oriented perfectionism
These individuals set exceptionally high—and sometimes unrealistic—standards for themselves. Their desire to improve can motivate considerable effort, but it can also lead to excessive self-criticism. Under pressure, they may become absorbed in details at the expense of priorities and productivity.
2. Other-oriented perfectionism
These individuals expect perfection from the people around them. Believing that others are capable of more can encourage development, but unrealistic expectations and persistent criticism can damage relationships. For leaders, the question is whether their standards help people succeed or make it difficult for anyone to measure up.
3. Socially prescribed perfectionism
These individuals believe that others expect them to be perfect. They may feel continual pressure to avoid disappointing colleagues, supervisors or clients. Even a strong performance may bring little satisfaction if their attention immediately turns to what they must do better next time. As I think about that pressure, I can feel their exhaustion.
(For those familiar with the Hogan, Perfectionism is an HDS trait, meaning it presents more often when someone is under pressure. If exhibited frequently, it can be a limiting behavior.)
Not every perfectionist has the same concerns or behaviors. Coaching begins with understanding where a leader gets stuck and how those patterns affect their work and relationships.
Recognize when good enough meets the need
Not every task requires the same level of refinement. Spending too much time perfecting one assignment can take attention away from more important responsibilities.
The question is not whether quality matters. It is what quality the task requires—and when further polishing stops adding meaningful and/or measurable value.
Clarify goals and expectations
Unclear expectations leave room for leaders to impose unnecessarily demanding standards on themselves and others.
Agreeing on priorities, deadlines and what a successful outcome looks like helps people direct their effort where it matters most. It also makes it easier to recognize when the work is complete.
Notice what happens under pressure
When pressure increases, a leader may respond by checking more details, revising work repeatedly or becoming more controlling.
Coaching can help leaders recognize those responses and practice more constructive ways to handle demanding situations, including pausing, asking for perspective and reconsidering priorities.
Share work before it is finished
Someone who wants everything to be perfect may hesitate to show unfinished work. Yet an early conversation can prevent hours of unnecessary effort.
Sharing a draft or discussing an approach gives others an opportunity to contribute. It can build collaboration and reveal whether the work is heading in the right direction before too much time has been invested.
Put mistakes in perspective
A minor mistake and a major error do not call for the same response. Coaching can help leaders distinguish between them and respond proportionately.
Rather than relying on harsh self-criticism, leaders can examine what happened, take responsibility and decide what to do differently. Practice and thoughtful experimentation provide opportunities to improve without treating every setback as a verdict on their ability.
Know when persistence needs a different strategy
Persistence is valuable. Repeating an ineffective approach simply because more effort might make it work is a different matter.
I want to acknowledge a client’s effort while also asking: Is this approach producing the result you want? If not, what could you try differently?
Sometimes progress depends on changing the strategy rather than working harder at it.
Coaching perfectionists involves helping people distinguish between their intentions, their strategies and their outcomes. A leader’s intention may be sound and the desired outcome worthwhile. The way they are trying to get there may need to change.
The goal is to retain high, achievable standards while developing the flexibility to make decisions, learn from mistakes and work productively with others.
That creates room for both strong performance and greater satisfaction in the work.
Whether you’re stepping into a broader role, leading a growing team or navigating complex organizational dynamics, a conversation with Frank is a good place to start.